A little relationship advice today because I get so many questions that say: “How do I get him/her back?” Then, they tell me the story.
Honestly, my first reaction to that question is “Really? You
want him/her back. Why?”
Sure, I understand that, if a long-term partner or spouse simply decides to walk out, it’s painful. Rejection hurts even when you know you have some big relationship problems. And, it may be that that person is not only rejecting you, but rejecting the children, the finances, the goals, the plans, the future, and more. That’s very hurtful, and it makes your head spin. I get that.
You have to work through your feelings (good to get some relationship help right away) and take care of yourself first. That will help you gain perspective as early on as possible. With my clients, I know that walking together with them through the early “broadsiding” is so important to healing. You need answers to the questions:
- Why now?
- Why at all?
- What was I missing?
- What can I do?
- What do I want?
- Where do I go from here?
- How do I regroup and carry on?
And all those questions need answers while your heart is hurting and your head is swimming.
Yes, sometimes, a partner makes a mistake and knows it immediately or close to. S/he comes back, apologizes, and agrees to go with you to get help with rebuilding the values, respect, and trust that your relationship sorely needs. You then have the option of saying “yes” or “no” to a fresh start.
What if you’re dating, or, have been in a relationship for only a year or less? At that point, when your partner says “No more,” you want to listen to that door slam on the way out, and be grateful. That’s why I say, “Really?” when someone writes and bemoans that loss of the relationship when he or she has been dumped.
Who would want to be with someone who doesn’t want you? Wanting that is close to self-destructive. For whatever reason the partner gives for leaving, it is clear that they have made a decision to show you who they are, and how they roll. Right?
Can you see it from that perspective? Can you recognize that wanting someone who doesn’t want you–once the initial pain is behind you–is a demonstration of lack of self-esteem?
You don’t want to be grasping after someone who has told you they’re moving on. Let that relationship go. Clearly, you are better off in the long run even though there is pain in the short-run.
Who, in their rational mind, would want someone back who treats them poorly, and leaves them bleeding in the dust? People who:
- have so little self-esteem and self-confidence, that they honestly believe they deserve to be treated poorly
- actually think that it is their fault that another person behaves badly
- believe they will be alone forever if that person leaves them
- think they can nurture, nourish or love someone enough to change them
- are more focused on “being wanted” than on quality in relationship
- confuse being used with being loved
- are afraid to be alone
- have a self-worth issue, and think that being in a relationship–any relationship– validates them and makes them a more worthwhile person.
So, when I hear that question: “How can I get him/her back?” I wonder what is going on in the mind and heart of the person asking the question. Yes, it can make you wonder if you have value, or if there is something terribly wrong with you. It can make you wonder if you’re worthwhile. But, I hope, only for a short while.
Then, get help to pick yourself up, give your head a shake, and realize that you are better off. You now know who your partner is, and you understand–sadly enough–that you certainly don’t want someone who doesn’t want you.
HERE’S TODAY’S PODCAST:
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If you are in a relationship with someone right now who makes you question your sanity and second-guess yourself all the time, think about coming along to the Virtual Retreat on Saturday, June 27, from 1 – 5 PM Pacific Time, on Loving, Living With, Or Leaving an Emotional Vampire! at http://www.optimizecenter.com/join Only 12 spaces!