In a relationship, oh, it is so easy to blame your partner! You think that blaming will take the heat off you and put it onto your partner. At least, you hope so.
It doesn’t work that way and it creates relationship issues that never seem to go away.
If you’re always looking for someone to blame–or blaming someone else–for where you find yourself in life, you will never have close or satisfying relationships. Ouch, I know, but it’s simply true!
It may not break the relationship apart. You may stay together, but, you’ll never have the emotional intimacy that makes you feel known, heard, respected, and supported. You’ll both be settling for far less than you could have.
Abraham Maslow created Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs in the graphic above. You’ll see the base is about survival, the next is about staying alive once you’ve survived, and then, Bingo! The need for love and belonging. That’s why you need your family, your friends, and especially, your partner: they fill up your need for love and belonging.
When your style is blaming, you push your partner away. You are actually are working against your most important needs. Yet, you do it. Wouldn’t you rather invite your partner to come closer? I’ll bet you would, and giving up blaming is a very good start!
A Blamer needs a Target of Blame. In most cases, almost anyone or anything will do. However, some save their special blaming behavior for those folks with whom they think they are the safest: the ones they believe they love and who love them. It creates a destructive dance for two. If you are WITH a blamer, you need to decide to sit this dance out. That often takes real courage.
I’m not saying you have to leave the relationship. No! That would be like walking out of the dance hall never to enjoy dancing together again. I’m saying, step off the dance floor, sit this one out, and tell your partner how much you’d like to dance to the music of “I’m in love with you, Baby” rather than “You always hurt the one you love.” You can learn better communication skills and you can get better answers for your relationship questions. Getting some relationship help can really speed up the process, because it’s hard to figure it out alone.
Blaming is a habit, a learned pattern of behavior you pick up earlier in life. It comes from being blamed, always being suspected, or being afraid of being wrong or punished. It’s a deflection tactic to avoid possible negative consequences. You may have needed that tactic in another relationship, but you sure don’t have to bring it into this one.
You can change the blaming pattern to one that is more equitable, accepting, fair, responsible, and loving.
If you’re ready to give up blaming, or being blamed, a little relationship help can show you both how to step out of the dance that has you stomping each other’s toes, and glide into sync and enjoy your time together.
Enjoy the podcast that goes with this topic right here:
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