Relationship Problems: Wanting Your Partner Back When They Don’t Want You

A little relationship advice today because I get so many questions that say: “How do I get him/her back?” Then, they tell me the story.

Honestly, my first reaction to that question is “Really? You
want him/her back. Why?” 

Sure, I understand that, if a long-term partner or spouse simply decides to walk out, it’s painful. Rejection hurts even when you know you have some big relationship problems. And, it may be that that person is not only rejecting you, but rejecting the children, the finances, the goals, the plans, the future, and more. That’s very hurtful, and it makes your head spin. I get that.

You have to work through your feelings (good to get some relationship help right away) and take care of yourself first. That will help you gain perspective as early on as possible. With my clients, I know that walking together with them through the early “broadsiding” is so important to healing. You need answers to the questions: 

  • Why now?
  • Why at all?
  • What was I missing?
  • What can I do?
  • What do I want?
  • Where do I go from here?
  • How do I regroup and carry on?

And all those questions need answers while your heart is hurting and your head is swimming.

Yes, sometimes, a partner makes a mistake and knows it immediately or close to. S/he comes back, apologizes, and agrees to go with you to get help with rebuilding the values, respect, and trust that your relationship sorely needs. You then have the option of saying “yes” or “no” to a fresh start.

What if you’re dating, or, have been in a relationship for only a year or less? At that point, when your partner says “No more,” you want to listen to that door slam on the way out, and be grateful. That’s why I say, “Really?” when someone writes and bemoans that loss of the relationship when he or she has been dumped.

Who would want to be with someone who doesn’t want you? Wanting that is close to self-destructive. For whatever reason the partner gives for leaving, it is clear that they have made a decision to show you who they are, and how they roll. Right?

Can you see it from that perspective? Can you recognize that wanting someone who doesn’t want you–once the initial pain is behind you–is a demonstration of lack of self-esteem?

You don’t want to be grasping after someone who has told you they’re moving on. Let that relationship go. Clearly, you are better off in the long run even though there is pain in the short-run.

Who, in their rational mind, would want someone back who treats them poorly, and leaves them bleeding in the dust?  People who:

  • have so little self-esteem and self-confidence, that they honestly believe they deserve to be treated poorly
  • actually think that it is their fault that another person behaves badly
  • believe they will be alone forever if that person leaves them
  • think they can nurture, nourish or love someone enough to change them
  • are more focused on “being wanted” than on quality in relationship
  • confuse being used with being loved
  • are afraid to be alone
  • have a self-worth issue, and think that being in a relationship–any relationship– validates them and makes them a more worthwhile person.

So, when I hear that question: “How can I get him/her back?” I wonder what is going on in the mind and heart of the person asking the question. Yes, it can make you wonder if you have value, or if there is something terribly wrong with you. It can make you wonder if you’re worthwhile. But, I hope, only for a short while.

Then, get help to pick yourself up, give your head a shake, and realize that you are better off. You now know who your partner is, and you understand–sadly enough–that you certainly don’t want someone who doesn’t want you.

HERE’S TODAY’S PODCAST: 
Click here to listen…
If you are in a relationship with someone right now who makes you question your sanity and second-guess yourself all the time, think about coming along to the Virtual Retreat on Saturday, June 27, from 1 – 5 PM Pacific Time, on Loving, Living With, Or Leaving an Emotional Vampire! at  http://www.optimizecenter.com/join   Only 12 spaces! 

Relationship Issues: 3 Ways Perfectionism Can Ruin Your Life

Who told you that striving for perfection and struggling for unrealistically high standards would bring you love, joy, and peace? 

I’m thinking “No one.” They probably never really said those words. They just inferred that  you SHOULD be better, do better, and achieve more to be good enough. Or, maybe they were a little less positive, and gave you the sense that you didn’t have what it took.

Somewhere, somehow, someone told you–or, at least, gave you the sense–that perfectionism was the goal. It isn’t, and striving for it simply makes you feel less than, never good enough, and somehow inadequate.

What perfectionism will do is keep you from accepting yourself and your partner–and your parents, kids, co-workers–right now. There will always be that niggling feeling of “could have been more, done more, achieved more” with no end in sight. It is a struggle that has no end!

Perfectionism clouds your vision of yourself and others. As Psychology Today says: “For perfectionists, life is an endless report card on accomplishments or looks. It’s a fast track to unhappiness….” And, think what happens if you pass it on to your kids!

Perfectionism may be a virus you were injected with. The good news is that you can recover. It’s not easy or quick, but it’s possible. And, doing it shows that you do truly care about yourself, your relationships, and your quality of life.

Why would you give up perfectionism? You may think that it is a positive driving force that keeps you reaching for your goals. It is not. Here’s three ways it can be ruining your life:

  1. In your deepest self, you think everyone is judging you. And, that they secretly know that you’re just not trying hard enough.
  2. No matter what, you don’t believe your positive reviews. You think others are just being polite when they appreciate or praise you. You dismiss them as just not knowing how flawed you are, or how much better you supposedly could have done.
  3. In your inner self talk, you are secretly judgmental about the imperfections of others, and you are internally competitive about everything.

Three huge ways you could be missing out on the joy of living and loving!

My mom was the great purveyor of perfection in my life. I just could not be smart enough, talented enough, or slim enough. And, it seemed that she would only be satisfied if I could be all those three things at once! It was a nightmare. If I got A’s in school, but gained five pounds, she focused on the weight gain. If I won a piano competition, I could have looked better on stage if I were thinner. If I slimmed down–although, looking back at photos, I was never fat–then, I had better buckle down and study and practice more. A never-ending cycle of emotional abuse. Yes, that’s abusive. You can’t justify it or make excuses for it. It’s abusive.

Did you experience anything like that? If so, now is the best time to examine it. Time to change that programming, and enjoy life and love more fully. Perfectionism is one of the big relationship issues that I’ve helped many clients shift away from. I did it myself, and I know the way out of it to much more freedom.

Here’s today’s Podcast on Overcoming Perfectionism:


If you recognize that your view of yourself and others has been poisoned by perfectionism, that’s a great start. Now, do the work to lift yourself out of that mindset, and replace it with more love, patience, and appreciation for yourself. That will have a ripple effect and solve many relationship issues, too. You’ll be so much happier! 

If you know it’s time to get some relationship help, I’m happy to work with you. You can schedule an appointment at a time convenient to you right online HERE.